just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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