Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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