Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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