Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
