is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
