Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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