i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
