I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
