cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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