Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
