he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
