Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
