i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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