I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
