I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
