my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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