Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
