She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
