Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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