dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
