His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
