The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
