I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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