i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
