Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
