I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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