two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
