it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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