You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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