my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
