if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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