you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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