not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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