My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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