my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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