im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
