I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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