I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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