Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
