If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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