can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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