Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
