Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
