He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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