dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
