I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
