just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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