theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
