guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
