I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
